Little Pals Preschool and Child Care

Be Consistent! Children of all ages seek to know the limits of their environments. This is especially important for youngsters who are pre-verbal. The way they learn is by using their eyes and ears. They pay attention to much more than just the spoken word. They learn from body language, facial expressions and tone of voice. When they are held, they respond to the degree of tension in your body.

Let's look at an example: if an 18 month old child touches the dial on a television set and no one tells her not to, then she understands it's an acceptable thing to do.

If, on the other hand, someone tells him not to, but the direction is said with a smile, and a soft voice, the child, who doesn't understand much in the way of specific words, will receive a double message. The word is NO but the look on the face is happy or relaxed, and the sound of the voice is quiet. What message is processed by the child? It's ok to touch the dial!

If the child's caretaker stops what she's doing, calmly walks over to the child, next to the television, and says in a clear, firm voice, NO, with a stern look on her face, the child will understand there is something wrong about what she just did.

At this point, most children will smile and reach out to touch the dial again. (they really are testing) The caretaker must repeat what she just said, using a slightly stronger tone and give the child a somewhat more stern look. This process may continue until the child understands this is something they should not do. It's also a good time for the caretaker to redirect the child's attention to something they are allowed to touch!

NOTE: At no time should a caretaker try to frighten a child!

One last part of this example, which is perhaps the most important, is this: If a caretaker is busy and sees a child playing with the dial on the television, it can happen that the caretaker hurriedly says, "Don't touch that, I've told you before, I don't have the money to get a new tv and I'm not going to tell you again."

When the child hears all of those words, that he really doesn't fully understand, and sees that his caretaker is really not paying much attention to him, he feels empowered to touch the dial again. One of 3 possibilities can happen at this point. The caretaker can stop what she's doing and go to the child, yelling about what she just told him not to do, yanking him by the arm, dragging him away from the TV, and more than likely frightening the child.

Or, the caretaker can realize she must attend to the child in a calmer manner and will communicate more consistently, as described above, in the underlined section.

The last way a caretaker can respond is by ignoring the child. This tacitly gives the child permission to continue to play with the dial and perhaps try to do other things, such as put foreign objects into the vcr! Definitely not a good plan! (Ignoring children is not always a bad thing. It will be explored in future tips.)

Points to Consider

Do you see yourself in the following steps?

1. a child wants to do something s/he is not supposed to do
2. a caretaker says NO
3. a child cries
4. the caretaker says NO again
5. the child cries louder and throws a few things
6. the caretaker feels overwhelmed and gives in
7. the child smiles and believes they can do what they were told not to - it was relatively easy - they just had to cry and throw a few things - before they knew it, the caretaker caved.

Or do you strive to practice these steps?

1. a child wants to do something s/he is not supposed to do
2. a caretaker says NO
3. a child cries
4. the caretaker says NO again
5. the child cries louder and throws a few things
6. the caretaker says NO and follows her verbal command by redirection to an acceptable activity
7. the child wants nothing to do with redirection, cries louder, throws more things and falls on the floor, kicking and screaming (known as a full fledged tantrum)
8. the caretaker remains calm, repeats her NO, then gently removes the child to a different area and attempts to redirect again.
9. The child realizes he lost this round and gets interested in something else.

No system is foolproof and no plan works all of the time. Keep in mind that children seek to know the limits. If you are consistent in letting them know what the limits are, they will decrease their testing, but not until they are sure!

Keep in mind: if a child will not take "No" for an answer and you reward this child by "giving in" that child will learn that "No" doesn't mean no, it really means "Keep trying!".